WatchingTedLasso

Confession time: Most times I come up here to write, I do not have a fully-formed story or essay in my head. In fact, most times, it’s the heart that leads. I never know if what I have to say will be long or short, or will make a lick of sense to anyone but me. And, for a typically very logical girl, that is scary as can be. But I do know one thing. I write because there are glimmers of ideas that won’t let go. I write because I have no choice. I write because the only way to lift the weight, even momentarily, is to give those glimmers their own voice. Today is no different.

I just mentioned the concept of “weight” and today could be a heavy one if I lean in to the melancholy. While I plan on giving it a tip of the hat in a little bit, I will not linger too long. Like a movie playing out in front of my eyes – I’ve imaged this day for quite some time. And, just like the magic of a movie – we don’t always know what it will hold or how it will end.

Today is a big day. Or it could be. I’m going to choose to believe it’s a “He’s got me and always will.” sort of day. Because he does. There is no denying he had a hand in today – whether you believe someone’s spirit lives on after their body has left this earth. I believe it. Because I am living it.

Before we move forward, we must go back. But not too far back, not yet. Let’s go back to June when I saw that Charlie’s favorite tattoo artist’s books had opened up. If you want a seat, you must act quickly. I emailed Kyle, letting him know who I was in relation to Charlie, and that I was looking to get a tribute piece. But not just anything done by any artist. It had to be him and it had to be a Buffalo.

The emails ping-ponged back and forth.

He remembered Charlie. Of course he did. He remembered the outdoor scene that was started and never finished – Charlie never went back for the mountains that were to serve as the backdrop. The reasons for which elude me to this day, but I won’t let that stop me. Kyle said he’d be honored to honor Charlie and would his first available be okay? The caveat was that his first available would be in October – months away at that point.

First available would be just fine – I’d waited this long to know almost exactly what I wanted – no small feat in my world. And then, almost the final email exchanged came through…

Saturday, October 12th, at noon was mine if I wanted it.

I would be a liar if I said I did not instantly burst into tears. I also read it and re-read it and have again and again since.

Saturday, October 12th, 2024. What would have been our 11th wedding anniversary. Man, Charlie.

+++++++++

Back like I never left. Because, to you, I didn’t. But, I did. I had to go. Had to go to the appointment, get the tattoo, endure pain the likes of which I cannot draw a parallel. But I have to do that, too. Draw the parallels. Make the connections. Those connections, loose as tendrils, as fine as filament are what heal. When symbolism is weighty, I know that’s when I need the lightness the most.

Symbolism! I can hear every single English Literature teacher, instructor, professor harping on about symbolism. I happened to love those classes and would dutifully sleuth out the hidden in plain sight clues to take me deeper into a story. And, while I won’t harp here, the symbolism is shouting far too loud to ignore.

The Buffalo.

I originally simply wanted a Buffalo to stand as my tribute. I wanted the stance – the Buffalo poised and ready for any approaching storm. The inaugural member of the Widow Wolf Pack sent me this, “Buffalo are much wiser in how they approach storms. They wait for the storm to roll towards them before charging headfirst into it and straight through it. By confronting the storm head-on, buffalo minimize the discomfort, time, and frustration they endure by getting to the other side as quickly as possible.” Well, I’ll be.

The Buffalo was also a wink and a nod to Charlie as well. You see, he loved any and all historical movies – and if there were horses to be ridden or an old west to be settled, then all the better. – films like Braveheart, Tombstone & The Patriot, but he loved Dances With Wolves more than most.

In that movie, the native word for “Buffalo” is “Tatonka”. When we were courting, it tickled Charlie that that was one of the only details I had remembered and how I generally referred to the film, having only seen it once or twice. Another close friend shared this while we were on the topic of the movie and the tattoo: “The Buffalo is a symbol of self-sacrifice; it gives until there is nothing left. This was imitated by the people in their lives. To be generous and give what you have to others in need, or to honor them, is one of the most highly respected was of behaving.” Well, I hope I’ll be.

I hope to look down at my own Buffalo and see the both the strength to face any storm as well as the generosity of spirit to shine once the storm has passed.