WatchingTedLasso

And Those +1 Days

I once said, shortly after Charlie passed, “I fear less now. Because the worst thing that could have happened, did.” I didn’t say I was fearless, I mean, there’s still mice in the world. What I said was that I feared less. And while part of that may be true – I’ve been forced to face innumerable fears that I wouldn’t have otherwise – I know that I was so wrong on the other aspect. The worst thing that could have happened was not Charlie’s death. The worst thing is the grief.

As I’m typing this, I’m up in my office, tissues at my left hand, face streaked from not quite being able to pull it together today. You see, today is a storm before the calm sort of day. It’s the day before a milestone day and my heart and mind and body are acting each of their own accord to try to keep me above the waves. Grief will knock you over and make you lose your feet when you’re not looking. Even when you are, you’re not prepared, not really. Between the waves you may stand, but it is on ever-shifting sand.

What’s wild to me about this phenomenon – the storm before the calm – is this: it’s so much worse before The Thing. The whateveritis that is the milestone, or the memory. Because truly, it’s just a day. It’s a moment in time. But by the time I’ve actually gotten to that moment, the waters have calmed, my face wears a warrior’s smile, and I can face the world again.

Which brings me to the other absolute mind-fuck of what I’ve deemed the +1 days. Those come the day after The Thing and can sometimes be met with even more waves. But they’re different, somehow. They’re not the kind to knock you off your feet, but their constant lapping at your legs can bring tears, too. Because in the realization that you have made it through The Thing, you have made it through. That the world has continued to spin. That as wholly unfair, unjust, and unfathomable, life goes on. And so do you.

So. Do. You.