WatchingTedLasso

“You know what the happiest animal on Earth is? It’s a Goldfish. You know why? It’s got a ten second memory. Be a Goldfish.” – Ted Lasso to player Sam Obisanya. Wise words from Coach Lasso to move forward from past mistakes.

But what if, in the loss of your loved one, Goldfish Brain visits you?

I’ve deemed this phenomenon Goldfish Brain in my world, partially as a nod to Mr. Lasso & partially to give it a slightly less scary vernacular for some of its other names: Trauma brain, Widow’s brain, brain damage, brain fog, lizard brain, temporary short-term memory loss, PTSD. See, that little Goldfish is way friendlier to deal with.

Just what is Goldfish Brain? I’m not a medical professional and I’m here to impart my story so I can only pass along what I have learned from my own experience. My Goldfish Brain manifests itself in a few ways; “losing” my phone 47 times a day, names are like a soap bubble that pops as soon as someone passes theirs along to me, words can become elusive in the middle of a sentence, an entire train of thought can be derailed as simply as, ‘Squirrel!’. If this sounds frustrating, it can be and oftentimes is.

But let’s give little Goldfish Brain the credit it deserves. I’ve been told Goldfish Brain is a mechanism of protection. Experiencing a death is traumatizing, plain and simple. Our magical brain doesn’t want us to go through that trauma again and again, like a song on a Top-40 station. Enter the Goldfish to swoop on in and help us heal. And, as we heal from trauma, the frequency and intensity of little Goldfish will lessen. This thought is a comfort to me, especially given some of the ‘funny to me now’ stories…

… I had to mow the lawn. In late March. Let that sink in for just a moment. Mowing was always a Charlie task in our lives together. It isn’t a task I enjoy doing on my best day, let alone extremely early in the season, while also realizing it is now my responsibility. I charged the battery, put my earbuds in, and went outside with our two pups under my feet – ever over-eager to help. I made it about halfway through the postage stamp that is my front yard when I look up and see said pups, in the front yard with me, just strolling and sniffing, as dogs do. ‘What the hell are they doing here & who let them out?’, was my first thought. This was quickly followed with the whisper, “You did, babe, but it’s ok.” Charlie. A deep sigh, then we wrangled them back to the backyard, finished the task at hand, and had a chuckle at little Goldfish who had forgotten to close the gate.

That’s probably my primary tool to deal with my Goldfish Brain, to try to find the humor and acknowledge that whatever frustration is borne is likely fleeting at best. There are other tools I’ve incorporated to help me. Perhaps they can help you, too.

• Praise the Goldfish – If you pictured a preacher on a Sunday morning service raising their hands and saying, “Praise the Goldfish”, that’s missing the point, but we could likely be friends. No, I certainly don’t mean in any sort of dogmatic way. I mean, give it praise and encouragement instead of feeding the frustration. For example, when I “lose” my phone for the umpteenth time in a day, only to “find” it in my back pocket, I try to say something to myself like, “Thank you for finding it, baby Goldfish!” or “Way to keep the phone close, thank you for not really losing it for me.” It may seem silly in the moment, but what is the alternative? Feeding the frustration only creates a bloat of more frustration. No one wants that, especially our wonderfully protective brain.
• Make a List – Hell, make seventeen lists! Checking tasks off a list is deeply satisfying. I think it feeds baby Goldfish in a healthy way. Some days I feel like I need a list that says, “Get out of bed.” Check. “Wash your face and brush your teeth.” Check and check. And that’s okay. In my journey through the myriad tasks that widowhood has brought me, I have leaned on the lists and spreadsheets, if only to clear the clutter that Goldfish is trying to swim through. As time passes, I may lean on the lists less but I know they’re there when I lack direction or begin to spin out because there are too many choices to make.
• Speaking of choices, choose to see the humor, even when you are mowing in your own life. As I tried to impart above, the ways Goldfish Brain will show up may be frustrating at the time. But if you can take a step back, give the situation some perspective, you may see the light peeking through the brain fog.

I think that’s what Coach Lasso was trying to give to Sam, some lightness and perspective. “Be a Goldfish.”, he said. Feel the joy and the pain. Give it those 10 full seconds. Then move on. Be a Goldfish, indeed.